Titus 2:11-13

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus."

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Self Reflecting

I am writing tonight out of the beginnings of a realization that I have gradually let myself become someone I don't want to be.
  • Selfish.
  • Unprepared.
  • Easily angered.
If I were to make an excuse for myself, I believe I could adequately sum up the root "cause" of these negative characteristics in one short sentence: I'm tired.
  • When I get a moment of solitude, I often choose to do something with it that (directly) serves only myself--like sleep.
  • Fatigue-induced lack of motivation has kept me from efficiently managing my household.
  • The shorter my longest stretch of sleep at night, the shorter my fuse the next day.
I certainly want to remedy this, but in some ways I feel trapped.
  • Should I take a nap when the kids do so that I have more patience and energy for them later, or should I stay up and do some menu planning?
  • Should I spend the last bit of my day's worth of energy cleaning up the kitchen so that I can start tomorrow with a clean slate, or should I save it (i.e. my energy) for my husband?
Maybe I'm being slightly too idealistic, but right now my life just doesn't look like what I want it to look like. My personality rends me nearly incapable of doing anything half-heartedly; and yet I am realizing that in several arenas of my life, I have been doing just enough to get by.
  • I "supervise" the kids, but I don't always "mother" them.
  • I cook supper for my family, but sometimes I fail to prepare side dishes.
  • I buy groceries for specific meals, but I often lack a plan for when those meals will be served.
  • I do the dishes and pick up around the house, but I rarely get to my daily cleaning tasks.
  • I embrace my role in Travis' and my marriage, but sometimes I forget to just be his wife.
I think that I've been excusing my recent shortcomings by telling myself that "it's just a season"--and it is--but maybe it's time to start making changes instead of excuses. I haven't always been this way--and I certainly don't intend to always be this way--so now I just need to figure out how to get back to the way I was.

And it's that thought which takes me back to where I used to be: in prayer that God would continue to mold me into the wife and mother that He wants me to be.

Dear God, please change me....

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