Reflecting on His Faithfulness

Tomorrow is another big day for us, as we have what is possibly our last regular OB visit of this pregnancy.  Despite Thursday's amazing appointment with the perinatologist, our OB has put us on the books for a Thursday, May 28th, cesarean; and tomorrow's office visit is our last chance to discuss his decision with him.

I've spent a lot of today thinking about what questions I want to ask of my doctor while simultaneously clinging to the instruction and promise in Philippians 4:6-7:  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

As I think about my questions/concerns/fears regarding this May 28th deadline and the passing of yet another day which brings us closer to it, I can't help but think about the many prayers regarding this pregnancy that God has already answered.  I went back tonight and read a couple of my older blog posts and was greatly encouraged as I revisited--and realized--some of the things that God has already done.

I hope that anyone reading this tonight will also take the time to visit (or perhaps revisit) these posts, and that as you do so you, too, will see God's hand at work.  Below are the links.

God's Purpose Will Prevail
Making My Requests Known

Psalm 20

Last night I read Psalm 20 and was greatly encouraged by this prayer that so closely resembles my own.

1May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
  May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high!
2May He send you help from the sanctuary
  And support you from Zion!
3May He remember all your meal offerings
  And find your burnt offering acceptable!

4May He grant you your heart's desire
  And fulfill all your counsel!
5We will sing for joy over your victory,
  And in the name of our God we will set up our banners.
  May the Lord fulfill all your petitions.

6Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed;
  He will answer him from His holy heaven
  With the saving strength of His right hand.
7Some boast in chariots and some in horses,
  But we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God.
8They have bowed down and fallen,
  But we have risen and stood upright.
9Save, O Lord;
  May the King answer us in the day we call.

Oh, God, how I pray that You will grant me my heart's desires.  I know that You hear my prayers and that You care for me, and I pray that You will fulfill all my petitions.  In You will I rejoice, and in Your name will I boast.  May You be glorified, oh Lord, my God!

He is Near

The nearness of God hasn't been so real to me in a while as it was in the wee hours of Sunday morning.

About the time Travis and I were getting ready for bed Saturday night, an overwhelming feeling of nausea overcame me.  I knew that eating a little protein would perhaps help, but I was already past the point of being able to eat.  (If you've ever had morning sickness, you probably know what I mean.)  I laid down in bed hoping the nausea would ease off and wondering if I was coming down with something.

I slept for a couple hours until my full bladder awakened me.  As I stumbled back from the bathroom and climbed into bed, my half-asleep husband asked me if I was feeling better; and I told him I was too tired to be able to tell.  A few minutes later, though, I knew without a doubt that I wasn't feeling better.  As I lay in bed attempting to fall back to sleep, the feeling of nausea again swept over me--this time so strongly it was keeping me from sleep.  My mind started spinning with reasons why I might be feeling this way, and then I realized I hadn't felt my babies move at all during this middle-of-the-night wake time.  This realization brought to my mind a whole new realm of speculations, and I then began worrying about my babies.

As an automatic response to my worries, I prayed rather unexpectantly, "God, are both my babies okay?"  I was caught totally off guard when instantly one baby started a series of very active movements followed immediately by the other baby doing the same.  I knew without a doubt not only that both my babies were indeed okay but also that God had responded to my simple prayer as quickly as if we were conversing face-to-face.

Even still as I reflect on this I am utterly amazed--maybe even a little surprised--by the nearness of God.  What exactly was I expecting when I threw up that little prayer?  Nothing, I guess.  But God, because He hears my prayers and because He cares for me, answered me plainly as automatically as I had inquired of Him.

Praise God that He can use something as unlikely as sleep-preventing nausea to reveal Himself to His children.  And praise the Lord that He is near to all who call upon Him in truth (Psalm 145:18).

Preparing MySELF

I mentioned in my last post that the fiercest stage of my nesting has come to an end; but the urge to prepare for my babies is still strong as ever--it has just taken on a little different form.  Instead of preparing my "nest," I guess I've moved on to preparing myself.

Within the past couple weeks I have purchased and begun reading Program Your Baby's Health by Barbara Luke (a book on nutrition that was recommended to me months ago by a knowledgeable midwife); I have checked out from the library Robert Bradley's Husband-Coached Childbirth (and am taking mental notes for my husband who truly doesn't have the time to read it with me); I have borrowed three additional baby name books in the continued quest to find the (second) right first name; I have watched Ricki Lake's documentary The Business of Being Born; and I am now looking into utilizing chiropractic care--more specifically, the Webster Technique, a specific chiropractic analysis and adjustment which allows babies to get into the best possible position for birth--to prepare myself for the birth of my babies.

In spite of all my preparation, I know that the circumstances surrounding the birth of a baby--and maybe even more so of twins--can be so uncertain; and the best of plans can be foiled in an instant (as in the case of my first childbirth).  But as I have prayed--and as so many of you have prayed with me and for me (Thank you, dear friends.  For your prayers and support I am eternally grateful.)--I have felt only more confirmation in my desire for a VBAC.  I continue to learn of more and more people, some of whom I don't even know, whom the Lord has raised up to pray for my situation; and I know that God is hearing these prayers.  Not only has all of my research confirmed the legitimacy of my desire to VBAC, so has all of my communication with God.  He has built me up with an ever stronger faith to truly believe that He can do all things and that His plans will prevail no matter how seemingly impossible the circumstances.

A few weeks ago I was doing a little personal study on prayer and read the following excerpt on "Praying According to God's Will" from Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology.

But how do we know what God's will is when we pray?  If the matter we are praying about is covered in a passage of Scripture in which God gives us a command or a direct declaration of his will, then the answer to this question is easy:  His will is that his Word be obeyed and that his commands be kept.... However, there are many other situations in life where we do not know what God's will is.  We may not be sure, because no promise or command of Scripture applies, whether it is God's will that we get the job we have applied for, or win an athletic contest in which we are participating... or be chosen to hold office in the church, and so on.  In all of these cases, we should bring to bear as much of Scripture as we understand, perhaps to give us some general principles within which our prayer can be made.  But beyond this, we often must admit that we simply do not know what God's will is.  In such cases, we should ask him for deeper understanding and then pray for what seems best to us, giving reasons to the Lord why, in our present understanding of the situation, what we are praying for seems to be best.  But it is always right to add, either explicitly or at least in the attitude of the heart, "Nevertheless, if I am wrong in asking this, and if this is not pleasing to you, then do as seems best in your sight," or, more simply, "If it is your will."  Sometimes God will grant what we have asked.  Sometimes he will give us deeper understanding or change our hearts so that we are led to ask something differently.  Sometimes he will not grant our request at all but will simply indicate to us that we must submit to his will (see 2 Cor. 12:9-10).... Even when a command or promise of Scripture applies, there may be nuances of application that we do not at first fully understand.  Therefore it is important in our prayer that we not only talk to God but also listen to him.  We should frequently bring a request to God and then wait silently before him.  In those times of waiting on the Lord (Pss. 27:14; 38:15; 130:5-6), God may change the desires of our heart, give us additional insight into the situation we are praying about, grant us additional insight into his Word, bring a passage of Scripture to mind that would enable us to pray more effectively, impart a sense of assurance of what his will is, or greatly increase our faith so that we are able to pray with much more confidence. (Wayne Grudem, "Prayer," Systematic Theology (Grand Rapids, Mi.: Zondervan, 1994), pp. 383-384.)

When I read this, especially the last sentence of what is here quoted, my eyes filled with tears and my heart brimmed with joy and thankfulness as I realized that of the things listed, God, in regards to my prayers for a VBAC, has done all but change the desire of my heart--unless an increase in desire can be counted as "change."  He has given us additional insight into the issue of VBACing twins vs. elective repeat cesarean.  He has granted me additional insight into His Word, showing me through the example of the Israelites in the Old Testament that He is not bound by our circumstances.  He has brought passages of Scripture to mind that have enabled me to pray more effectively.  He has greatly increased my faith so that I am able to pray with much confidence.  And in doing all of these things, He has imparted to me a sense of assurance of what His will is.

Perhaps it is because of this that I have felt the urge of late to prepare myself for the natural childbirth that I so desire.  As I move forward in these preparations, I do so in a spirit of humility and submission before the Lord my God who is able to do all things and to whom I continue to pray, "Nevertheless, not my will but Yours be done."

Making My Requests Known

I love how God uses my blogging to teach me even as I write.  As I was just now looking for a verse on prayer to begin tonight's post, tears came to my eyes as I read these very applicable verses:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  (Philippians 4:6-7)

I was sitting down at the computer tonight to share about how as the weeks continue to pass by I am beginning to feel anxious at times about the way my twin pregnancy and delivery will all play out.  Despite the fact that I have complete faith and trust in God and the fact that I believe with all my heart that His purpose will prevail, I still fight these anxious thoughts as I wonder how in the world all the factors necessary for me to have a twin VBAC could ever line up just so.

I was also sitting down at the computer tonight to share all the specific prayers I have lifted up to God over the past several months regarding this situation.  I was thinking it would be neat to chronicle my prayers, not only so that others can pray in agreement with me, but also so that one day I can look back and see exactly how it was that God answered those prayers.

And then, just now--at the end of a day that was tainted with anxiety--God showed me Philippians 4:6-7:  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

As I read these verses again I sit here amazed at how God speaks through His Word.  He knew the anxious thoughts that filled my day, and He cares enough to remind me that I am to lift those things up in prayer.  Praise You, God.  Thank You for the promise that as I make my requests known to You, You will grant me peace that passes understanding.

Let me say, God definitely knows my requests.  I think I have been making them known to Him daily.  (Sometimes I feel like the widow in Luke 18.) :-)  But I will continue to lift them up to Him with thanksgiving (and I hope that if you feel led you will join me in agreement), and all the more when the anxious thoughts start rolling in.

Dear God,

• I praise You that You are forming these two babies in my womb and that You already know everything about them.  I pray that Your hand will be upon them as they continue to grow and develop and that every cell, organ, limb, and appendage will develop fully and perfectly.
  
• I thank You that You have seen fit to bless me doubly with twins.  Please give me wisdom as I care for my body, that I may be strong and well-nourished for the sake of the lives within me.
• I praise You for Your wondrous design for pregnancy and for the ability of the female body to be with child(ren!).  I ask, God, that You would enable me to carry these babies to full term and that they would be born of sufficient weight and in perfect health.
• I praise You for Your wondrous design for childbirth.  I beg You, Lord, to enable me to deliver both of these babies vaginally and with no complications.  May my uterus, though scarred, be as strong as if not.  And may both babies become perfectly positioned for a safe and successful vaginal delivery.
• I praise You, God, that You are not bound by a date on the calendar.  I pray that even though we will probably have to schedule a cesarean, You will allow my labor to spontaneously begin in Your time and in such a way as to avoid the "planned" surgery.
• I thank You, God, for the peace You have given me in sticking with my current OB group.  I pray that in spite of the odds You would cause the right doctor to be on call on the birth day of my babies and that You would fill that doctor with divine wisdom concerning our care.
• I thank You, God, that You have blessed Travis and me with a beautiful family.  Lord, for the sake of all my children, please allow that these babies be dismissed from the hospital within a couple days of delivery.  May there be no need for a stay of any length in the NICU which would undoubtedly tear me either from my home and my family or from my new babies.

Oh, Lord, these are some lofty requests, and how my hearts aches for them each to be fulfilled.  God, I know that You can do all things.  I know that You hear my prayers, and I know that You are faithful to answer them.  I believe with all my heart, God, that You are able to do these things.  As Jesus prayed, so I pray: "Abba!  Father!  All things are possible for You... yet not what I will, but what You will" (Mark 14:36).

In Jesus' Name I pray with a heart full of thanksgiving.  Amen.

Forgive and Forget

If you haven't noticed, the issue of forgiveness has been on my mind lately. Specifically,  I've been reflecting on the nature of God's forgiveness, our call to forgive one another, and our responsibility to seek forgiveness from those whom we have wronged.  I believe that these three forgiveness issues are related:  because we are forgiven by God, we must forgive those who wrong us and seek forgiveness from those whom we have wronged.

Speaking of those who will accept God's forgiveness, Psalm 103:12 states, "As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."  And in Isaiah 43:25,  "I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins." 

God forgives our sins, and then He forgets them.  I've been thinking about this for a while now and trying to figure out how it applies to our human-to-human relationships.  Is it really possible, humanly speaking, to forget a sin committed against you?  And if you haven't forgotten it, does that mean you haven't truly forgiven it?

After listening to a sermon yesterday, I think I've come closer to an answer for these questions.  I don't know yet if my partial conclusions hold true to Scripture (and if they don't, then throw them out!); but I do think they hold true to my life experience.

In his teaching on the Lord's prayer, this pastor spoke of forgiveness as a choice to "let it go"--not to pretend like it didn't happen or like it didn't hurt, but to decide to give up one's right to seek vengeance and justice.  He then clarified that just because forgiveness has then taken place does not necessarily mean that reconciliation has occurred.  Reconciliation, he said, only happens when both repentance and forgiveness are involved.

So then I started thinking about reconciliation and the role it seems to play in my finding the capacity to forget.  I realized that in the instances where I have been wronged and reconciliation has occurred, I seem to naturally forget the wrong committed against me.  But in the instances where I have had to choose to forgive in the absence of repentance--and thereby in the absence of reconciliation--I find it much more difficult to forget.

The danger in this remembering of sins is the tendency to develop bitterness towards the person whom you are forgiving.  I say "are forgiving" because, for me, this choice to forgive an unrepentant person is an ongoing action.  Each time I remember the wrong, I have to forgive again.  This makes me still wonder if my inability to forget stems from a possibly incomplete or insincere forgiveness.

May God search my heart and reveal to me any people or sins which I haven't truly and completely forgiven that I may be fully obedient to the Scripture: "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.  [But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions"] (Mark 11:25-26).

If anyone has any thoughts or words of encouragement on this issue, please share!

The Practice of Prayer

I don't pray as much as I should.  There, I said it.  There are several things currently happening in my life that have driven me to pray and praise more; but as my heart becomes more aligned with God's through prayer, I am seeing how short I am falling when it comes to talking to my Father.

There are some things I've noticed about prayer in my life personally: 

1. that the more I pray, the more I desire to pray;
2. that prayer makes my heart soft towards God; 
3. and that praying teaches me of my dependence upon God.  

So why don't I pray more?  Often times when I am examining myself, it is my prayerlessness that God shows me.  This isn't to say that I lead a prayer-less life.  But I'm not sure to what extent I'd call it a prayer-full life, either.  Regardless, God is calling me to pray more.

In Christian circles, prayer is often referred to as a discipline.  According to thefreedictionary.com, discipline is defined as "training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior."  In addition, common experience tells us that discipline involves time, energy, and commitment.  So, God is training me through various trials, conversations, sermons, and circumstances to become more prayerful.  But in order for that training to produce the desired character or behavior (i.e. prayerfulness), I must put forth the time, energy, and commitment to pray.

Undoubtedly, this is a hard thing to do.  This world (i.e. Satan) is in opposition to prayer and to God.  But God who calls us to pray can teach, motivate, and enable us to pray!  Praying, which is communicating with our Abba Father ("Daddy"), accomplishes at least a couple things:

1. it deepens our relationship with God,
2. and it aligns our hearts with God's.

So no wonder Satan doesn't want us to pray, right?!

Needless to say, I think I have the necessary knowledge of prayer; but it is the greater practice of prayer which God is calling me to.  May He grant me the desire and the discipline to pray, and may He continue to align my heart with His as I communicate with Him!

A Heart Full of Praise

Tonight I am writing with a heart full of praise.  I don't know if I can even put into words all that is welling up within me, but for God's glory I would like to try....


As I think about God's forgiveness, I am driven to praise.  Nothing in us merits forgiveness, and yet while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)--the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18).

Praise You, God, for the free gift of forgiveness which You have given to all who will believe.  Thank You for the atoning death of Your Son that paid my ransom and erased my debt.  Thank You for remembering my sins no more.  You have removed them from me as far as the East is from the West.  I praise You and thank You, God, that You forgive and forget.

As I think about God's patience, I am driven to praise.  The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9).  And regard the patience of our Lord as salvation (2 Peter 3:15)!

Praise You, God, for Your patience.  Because You are willing to suffer long, people come to repentance and are saved.  Thank You for waiting to bring about justice on the Earth, and thank You for the promise that one day You will.  Thank You for patiently working in the lives of the people whom You have created to draw them to Yourself.  Thank You for being patient with me as I learn, grow, fall down, and get back up again.  I praise You and thank You that, despite my failures, You who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

As I think about God's love, I am driven to praise.   For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life (John 3:16).  We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren (1 John 3:16).

Praise You, God, for loving me so much that You sent Your holy and blameless Son to suffer and die in my place.  Because of Jesus' death and resurrection, I can have eternal life.  Thank You, Jesus, for laying down Your life for me.  Thank You for demonstrating Your love for me through Your death on the cross.  And thank You for Your people who demonstrate the love of Christ by laying down their lives for others.

Our God is great and greatly to be praised!  He has done great things!  Hallelujah!