I've Been Occupied.

I haven't been here to share my thoughts much lately.  So, what's been on my mind?  Shopping, American Idol, and Heaven, mostly....

Shopping
I've admitted before that there is something about the change of seasons that makes me want to shop.  New clothes, outdoor toys, lawn and landscaping enhancements... Spring never leaves me short of ways to spend money.  And, yes, I have been doing some spending.  I've hit a couple huge consignment sales during the past month and have pretty much taken care of my kids' clothing needs for spring and summer.  Travis and I have also purchased a new outdoor playset for our kids to replace one that a storm destroyed last summer.  The kids are dying for us to build it, and if the weather will cooperate this weekend, we are hoping to do just that!

And, I suppose I should admit that I've done a little shopping for myself, too.  In Dave Ramsey style, Travis and I allow ourselves a certain amount of "blow money" each month; and, anticipating my Spring Shopping Fever, I let my blow money accumulate through the winter so that I'd be able to get a few new things for spring.  My best find has been a cute little black dress off Von Maur's sale rack, marked down from $68 to $17--a deal which, as my mother-in-law teasingly chided Travis, left plenty of room in the budget for a cute new pair of shoes. :-)

American Idol
I admit it.  I'm kind of obsessed with American Idol this year.  I've watched many of the past seasons, but this one is different for me.  I am totally awestruck at the talent, and I've gotten pretty wrapped up in the show.  Each week I can hardly wait for Wednesday to come, and I'm disappointed when Thursday is over.  One of my favorite performances of the season, though it's not necessarily my style of music, was Haley and Casey's duet performance of "Moanin'."

To hear the unique and extraordinary talents of the contestants makes me stand in awe of the Creator God from whom such beautiful gifts come.  If singing can be this good on a fallen Earth, what will it be like in Heaven?!  Which, brings me the last thing that's been on my mind....

Heaven
I never had much motivation to understand what Heaven will be like until I had a baby go there.  I knew it's real, that God is there, that I'm going there, and that it's wonderful beyond my comprehension; and, I guess I thought that was enough.  In July 2008, however, I suffered a miscarriage, and I began longing for Heaven more than I ever had before.  While still in the acuteness of my pain, a sister in Christ who had also lost a baby offered me just the comfort I needed--a better understanding of the Place I was longing for.  She told me about Randy Alcorn's book Heaven, and I've been working my way through it since.  Most of my free time over the past couple months has been spent reading Heaven.  The more I read, the more I think.  The more I think, the more I wonder.  The more I wonder, the more I long.  To think that everything good in this world is only a dim reflection of the glories that await us in Heaven!  To think that I will one day meet Ande Lynn there for the first time!  To think that we will have eternity to live, work, play, eat, worship, enjoy, and discover on the New Earth!  Now that's enough to occupy my mind for a very long time....

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Remembering With Hope

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a special day of remembering babies who have been lost to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, or infant death. People all over the world are invited to light a candle at 7:00 tonight in honor of these babies who have gone on before us to be with the Lord.

Our candle will be burning in remembrance of the babies of many of our friends and family members who have said goodbye to a baby (or babies) far too soon; and it will be burning in remembrance of our own baby, Ande Lynn, whom we lost to miscarriage on July 14, 2008.

We don't always understand why these things happen, but we do know that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). And, we can cling to the promise found in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18,

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.

15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.

16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.

17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.

18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

It is okay to grieve, Brothers and Sisters; and it is good to remember the tiny one(s) we have loved and lost. But, let me encourage you, as the name Ande means, to be strong and courageous. Jesus is coming back again, and we--and our sweet babies--will be with Him forever!

If you have lost a precious baby and would like me to be in prayer for you today, please leave a comment telling me your story. I would be honored to lift your name before the God of all comfort and peace.

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July 14th: A Day of Rejoicing

Today marks the two-year anniversary of my miscarriage of the baby we named Ande Lynn.  As anyone who has ever suffered the loss of a baby knows, the emotional and physical pain of miscarriage is very real and very deep.  God has, however, brought healing to our hearts through time and through His promises; and He has brought me to a point where I can now rejoice rather than mourn on this day of remembrance.  I rejoice because Ande is already with the Lord, and I rejoice because I have the hope of one day joining him/her there.

Because this day, July 14th, has become to us a day of rejoicing--and because it will always be a special day in our hearts--we have decided to use it in a way that reflects the hope that we have in Jesus.  Recently, Travis and I felt led to sponsor a child through Gospel For Asia's Bridge of Hope program, a program that gives poor boys and girls throughout South Asia an education, daily meals, and medical checkups in a Christian environment.  Through this, children (and their families) are not only introduced to Jesus, but they are also given a way out of the poverty and bondage that the Hindu caste system otherwise enslaves them to.  Since GFA's Bridge of Hope page has a "search by birthday" feature, we decided to use July 14th as our means of selecting a child to sponsor.

So, today is not only the anniversary of a loss.  It is also a sweet Indian girl's 11th birthday!  Happy birthday to Ramya!  We have not yet had any correspondence with her, but we pray for her regularly; and we hope that she will (or does) know the love of Jesus which clothes us, feeds us, and sets us free!

To God be the glory both now and forevermore!

I Remember

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. People all over the world are invited to light a candle at 7:00 tonight in remembrance of babies lost to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, or infant death.

We will be lighting a candle in memory of our baby Ande Lynn whom we lost to miscarriage on July 14th, 2008. The pain of our loss was very real, and although time has brought healing, I still sometimes find myself thinking about and missing this baby I never knew. I see babies who were born around the time of Ande's due date, and I catch myself thinking, That's how big Ande would be now. I wonder what he/she would be like at this age.... But, despite these momentary sad feelings, I can honestly say that I am okay. I am okay because God has used this loss for our good... and because I know that we have a baby who is already with the Lord.

To my many friends and family members who have also experienced the loss of a child--whether it be due to miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy or infant death--my thoughts and prayers are with you today, and I am remembering your babies as well. May our God be your strength, your hope, and your joy today and always; and may you find comfort in His promise.

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)

I Was Healing

This afternoon has been a bit emotional for me.  I've been working on uploading all of our pictures to Shutterfly (for purposes of printing as well as online photo sharing), and today brought me to July 2008.

As I was working my way through our 2008 photos, I was somewhat surprised by my ability to recall the exact events surrounding each snapshot; and each of these memories was bringing a joyous feeling to my heart.

Then I came to July 14, 2008.  These pictures didn't spark the same joyous feeling or happy memory but instead brought back the feeling of loss that will forever characterize that day--the day I miscarried our baby Ande Lynn.

I lingered on these pictures for a bit as I again recalled the exact events--and the physical and emotional pain--surrounding the snapshots.  And then I moved on.

What surprised me is that the next several photos I encountered brought back even more sad emotion than the ones of the miscarriage had.  And I realized as I looked at them that they were telling the story of my mourning... and of my healing.

Three days after the miscarriage, the next time our camera was used, I had taken pictures of Abel and Amariah opening gifts which Travis and I had given them for no special occasion.  The occasion, I recall, was that in my grieving I was becoming so thankful for the children I did have with me on this Earth that I was feeling the need to pour out my love on them in different and greater ways.  So I had gone shopping and picked for each of them one new toy as a way of expressing my overwhelming love and gratitude for them.

Another two days later, Travis and I had taken a picture of ourselves preparing to begin our first big house painting project.  This project, I recall, gave me both purpose for my time and togetherness with my husband, both of which I needed as I tried to move past the grieving.

And again another two days later, a friend of ours had taken a picture of Travis and me all dressed up for a nice date.  This date, I recall, was like a refuge from the storm; and it gave me the reassuring feeling of my husband's love that I so desperately needed to feel.

I realize now that even in my mourning, I was healing.  The pictures tell the story.

Missing Something

All month I have had this feeling that I'm forgetting something.  Every morning when I change the date on my perpetual block calendar I have to stop and think, What is it that I have going on this month, and when is it?  What am I forgetting about?

A couple days ago I finally figured it out.  Today, January 27, 2009, is the due date we originally calculated for Ande Lynn, the baby we lost to miscarriage this past July.  Apparently, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still "expecting" a baby this month.  I guess I didn't foresee having that feeling since in the meantime the good Lord has once again filled my womb.  Yet, I knew all along that getting pregnant again before Ande's due date would not somehow "erase" the memory or hope of him/her or ever "replace" the baby we will never meet on this side of heaven.

And still, it's not to say that we would rather be meeting Ande this month than be 19 1/2 weeks pregnant with these twins.  Even in our lack of understanding, we praise God for His ways.  In the midst of our loss we were comforted with the thought that God knew the end of the matter and that He would somehow cause this thing to work for our good.  And now that I am seeing the very beginning of the end of the matter, I stand in awe of my God.  For, in opening our womb just two short months after losing our baby Ande and in filling it with not one but two babies, God truly is causing all things--even the loss of a baby--to work together for our good.

Understand that with all of my heart I praise God for His ways.  Not only did He provide us with much comfort and peace during our time of loss, but He has also given us three children in the span of time that most would only get one.  Two we will meet here on this earth, and one we have waiting for us in heaven.  I can think of no better way for this all to have played out than the way which God has seen fit.

The Second Line

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!  Last Monday morning, October 13th, I watched with complete surprise as once again two little pink lines appeared before my eyes.  Not wanting the disappointment of another negative pregnancy test (apparently my PMS symptoms are becoming more and more like pregnancy symptoms), I had been determined to wait for several more days before even considering that I might be pregnant.  But all it took was my husband's question, "Aren't you going to take a pregnancy test?" and my mind was changed.  Completely prepared for and expecting a negative result, I was quite shocked (but happy!) when that second line appeared.  I kind of think my husband somehow knew that I was pregnant--or that he was at least hoping so.  A few days before when I made a comment with the assumption that I was not pregnant, Travis said, "Why would you say that?  Don't you want to be pregnant?"  I'm so blessed to have a husband who, like me, trusts God's timing for children and welcomes them as a blessing.

We are praying fervently for this child whom God is forming in my womb.  I know of so many women who have conceived only months after suffering a miscarriage, and now it is me in those shoes.  I am humbled by the knowledge of God's sovereignty in this situation, and it is my hope and prayer that, like my first two pregnancies, all will go well this fourth time around.  I know that this baby will never "replace" Ande in our hearts but just like the first three will find a whole new place of its own there.  And so I will end as I began as my heart joyfully sings, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow!"

Remembering Ande Lynn

I have learned through a couple of the blogs I read that today, October 15th, is the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.  I understand that people all over the world are invited to light a candle at 7:00 tonight in remembrance of babies lost to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, or early infant death.

We will be lighting a candle in remembrance of our baby Ande Lynn whom we lost to miscarriage on July 14, 2008.  Only three months have passed since we said goodbye to our hope of meeting our sweet baby on this side of Heaven, and the pain of loss is still very real to us.  Yet God, by His sovereignty and grace, has strengthened us (thus the name Ande, which means "strong, courageous") and taught us a great deal throughout this trial.  I praise God for the promise we have of meeting Ande one day in Heaven, and I am greatly comforted in knowing that Ande is already there.

To my many friends who have also lost a precious baby to miscarriage or early infant death, my thoughts and prayers are with you today.  May God grant you the same strength and courage that He has supplied to me.

I Wonder as I Wait

Twenty-one weeks today.  That's how far along I would be with baby Ande whom we lost through miscarriage eight weeks ago.  Eight weeks, yet it feels like forever.  Just as I can scarecly remember life without Abel and Amariah, I can scarcely remember life without Ande--or at least without the hope of Ande.  I miss my baby every day, and I long for the day when we'll meet in heaven.  I am at peace with the waiting (to meet, that is), and yet I wonder.  I wonder what life is like for Ande, privileged to skip out of this sin stained world and right into heaven with Jesus.  I wonder if my baby knows me though we've never met.  I wonder if Ande is a boy or a girl.  I wonder how my baby's early departure will play out in God's perfect plan.  I wonder how I would be looking and feeling at 21 weeks pregnant.  I wonder if God will again open my womb before the January 20, 2009, due date.  I wonder.  I wait.  I trust.  I hope.  "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known" (1 Corinthians 13:12).
 

A Greater Longing

Today is the one month anniversary of my miscarriage.  I can hardly believe it's been that long since that painful night, and yet somehow it seems longer.  So much healing has come in the past four weeks.  I believe I will always miss my baby, but it will be with the hope that I will meet him/her one day in heaven.  God has taught me over the years that I ought not to doubt His promises; so I cling to His word, knowing that what He says is true and trustworthy.  "For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.  Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:16-18).  God, how I long for that day now more than ever before.  And if that be the only good that comes out of this trial, it was worth it....

The Love of Christ

As I continue to learn of more people who have been praying for Travis and me, I am humbled and blessed by the love and support of our Christian brothers and sisters.  How awesome it is to be a part of the body of Christ and a friend of believers who truly live out the gospel by loving God and others.  Words cannot express how much we appreciate all the prayers, meals, books, and words of encouragement; you knew how much we needed these things even before we did.  Thank you for demonstrating to us the love of Christ--it has meant more than you can know.

Emotional Weakness, Spiritual Strength

What is going on in this body of mine?!  I'm joyful one second, sobbing the next.  Last night my husband was trying to show me the affection that I would normally crave, but every time he tried to kiss me I started crying for no apparent reason.  Knowing how frustrating it was for me to not have control over my emotions, I can't imagine how frustrated my husband must have felt.  I don't suppose it feels too good when your spouse busts out in tears at a sincere show of affection.  It's hard for me to understand these emotions, so I would not fault my husband if he is completely baffled.  At times I almost feel embarrassed of my tearful displays.  There haven't been many of them, but they always seem to come at the most unexpected and inopportune moments.  I'm sure that whatever is going on is just a natural human (okay, maybe just womanly) response to a very painful experience.  And I think my husband understands that my sobbing is an involuntary reflection of pain, sorrow, and raging hormones.

Praise God that even through my instability and weakness, He remains constant and strong.  I will continue to seek Him as I strive for that endurance which will make me perfect and complete and lacking in nothing (see James 1:2-4).

For When I Am Weak...

God has answered our prayers.  On Monday night, July 14th, with much physical and emotional pain, I gave birth to the baby we will never know in this life.  It seems that as each day passes I miss our baby more and more.  It's hard to understand such grieving over one whom we never knew; indeed, the loss of a baby through miscarriage is--and feels like--losing a loved one. 

Because of the time we had to prepare ourselves for the loss of this child, I honestly did not foresee having such feelings upon the time of the actual miscarriage.  God filled Travis and me with so much peace, comfort, and strength during those three weeks of waiting; and I guess I thought that would keep the tears and pain away.  I tend to think that I have to be "strong" in order for others to see God working in this situation and in order to prove that my faith is unwavering.  But as a dear friend encouraged me, mourning is okay and is, in fact, very important in the healing process.  She reminded me that we (believers) do not mourn like those who have no hope (unbelievers).  I have placed all my hope and trust in God, but that does not mean I won't experience natural human emotions.  It does mean, however, that my response to those emotions should reflect that hope and trust.  Furthermore, I am reminded that I do not have to be "strong" in order for God to be glorified.  "And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.'  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

I have prayed since the first ultrasound that whatever happened, God would receive the utmost glory.  May He continue to cultivate in me a proper and Godly weakness that He and not me would be shown strong.

I love you, my little baby, and I long for the day when I will join you in heaven to be with our Lord forever.

On to the Next Phase of Waiting...

This morning I finally had the follow-up ultrasound that I posted about a few weeks ago.  Based on what the doctor told us at our first appointment and on our confidence in when conception occurred, we were somewhat prepared for the results we were given this morning.  Again we saw an empty sack on the ultrasound screen, and that verified that a miscarriage is indeed pending.  As dreadful as the waiting and uncertainty is, we are hoping that my body will naturally reject this pregnancy within the next three weeks, thus avoiding the need for a D & C.

As emotionally tough as this time of waiting and disappointment is, I am so glad to say that I have complete peace that could only have come through knowing and trusting God.  Travis and I have been able to take great comfort in knowing that God knows the end of this matter and that somehow it will all work together for our good.  My only prayer this morning was, "Lord, whatever happens, may it be for Your glory"; and that will continue to be my prayer as we endure this next phase of waiting and wondering.

Thank God for Good Friends

I have been so blessed by the phone calls of caring friends since the news of my ultrasound results went out. The love I am being shown has caused me to reflect on my own expression of love towards friends, and I'm afraid it doesn't always measure up. I have some friends who have had miscarriages in the past, and not knowing what I should say to them during their trialsome times, I have chosen to not say anything at all. But now that I find myself likely facing the same situation, I am so thankful for the words of love and care and concern and encouragement given me by my friends. It means so much to hear the words, "I'm praying for you.... If you need someone to talk to.... We love you...." So thank you, my dear friends, for showing me love and compassion during this time. It means more than you know.

All Things Work Together...

As I continue to reflect on the situation we face with this pregnancy, the Lord has brought to my mind Romans 8:28--"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." This promise can be a tough one to wrap the finite human mind around because we humans see only the snapshot of our current situation, whatever it may be. But God--the infinite, all-knowing God, the God who is not bound by time or space--He sees the big picture. He knew the beginning, and He knows the end, and His grace is sufficient for whatever falls in between. I think it's interesting that just a few verses before this astounding promise, Paul says, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (vs. 18). The promise is not that only good will happen to those who love God. Indeed, we know that "all things" includes the good and the bad, for Scripture tells us that we will encounter trials. "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4). So not only can we know that even our trials play into the best God has for us, but we can also rejoice in these trials, knowing that through them we are being perfected. Perhaps the best way to understand this mystery that all things work together for the good of those who love God is to remember that God is continually sanctifying and perfecting His children and using all things as the means to this end.

My First Appointment

This morning I had my first OB appointment for this pregnancy. We got to see the same doctor who delivered Amariah, and he enjoyed seeing how much she has grown over the past year. At the end of our appointment, he sent us to the ultrasound technician for our first ultrasound. Having just had a good appointment, we were surprised to see no baby as the technician began the procedure. She saw a normal placenta, a gestational sack, and a yolk sack, but no baby. Based on that, she called me six weeks pregnant instead of ten and sent us back to visit with the doctor. Since we are pretty confident of the dates involved, the doctor seems to think that a miscarriage is pending. He is, however, having me come back in a couple weeks for a follow-up ultrasound to determine whether any change has occured. Whatever is going to happen, I am comforted by the fact that the Lord knows all things. He already knows the outcome, and His grace is sufficient for whatever we may face. He is my Lord, and I will rest in Him.

Two Pink Lines

It has happened again! Last Friday morning, with heart beating rapidly, I leaned over the bathroom sink and watched as two little pink lines slowly appeared on my pregnancy test.... "I'm pregnant!" I said to my husband as he anxiously peeked around the shower curtain. Wow! I am still in awe at the thought of God giving us a third child. What a blessing! Even now as I think about this child who we won't know for another nine months, my heart leaps in my chest, and my overwhelming tiredness momentarily fades into the background of my mind.

When Travis and I got married, we agreed that instead of using birth control we would let God be in control, believing that it is He who opens and closes the womb and believing His word that children are a gift of the Lord and that the fruit of the womb is a reward (Psalm 127:3). And what a true blessing and reward our children are to us! The thought that had we not fully trusted in the Lord by obeying our convictions and had consequently missed out on these gifts--Abel, Amariah, and baby #3--is devastating. In a society where pregnancies are often viewed as an "oops" and children as an expensive inconvenience, Travis and I are so thankful that we are able to rejoice when those two pink lines appear, knowing that each child is a gift from God.

"For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them." (Psalm 139:13-16)