Can and Just Might!

It was one year ago today that I confessed to the blogging world that I was falling apart just to hold it together.  I was the sleep-deprived breastfeeding mother of five-month old twins, and caring for myself had been temporarily and necessarily pushed to the bottom of my priority list.  Getting adequate sleep wasn't an option, taking a shower was iffy, and fixing my hair and makeup was out of the question.

When I was in high school I was rarely seen without makeup.  Appearances mattered too much.  I remember one morning when I got to school and headed for the locker room to drop off my sports bag.  I checked my appearance in the full-length mirror on my way out and was literally panicked when I discovered that I had forgotten the last step of my makeup application--curling my eyelashes and putting on mascara.  I hunkered down in the locker room until someone walked in and obliged my request to borrow some mascara.  Whew....

I also remember girls who had graduated ahead of me coming back from college and saying, "Believe me, when you get to college you won't wear makeup."  I would think to myself, "Yeah, right!  I'll never be seen without at least eye makeup...."  Of course, those girls had been right.  College was different.  Very few were concerned about appearances, and even I decided that not wearing makeup was kind of nice.

College is where Travis and I met, and even with a guy in the picture, I didn't change my new makeup wearing--or should I say not wearing--habits.  In fact, I deliberately didn't wear makeup when we were first getting to know each other because I wanted him to see the real me, flaws and all.  I didn't want another high school-like relationship that was all based on image, so I made sure that our relationship was not being built on enhanced appearances.  Of course, Travis is not the type of guy who would have pursued a girl based on some glamorous and unrealistic standard of beauty, anyway.  And to this day he tells me things like, "You always look good," and "You don't need makeup.  You are beautiful just the way you are."  I think the lack of makeup wearing was really more about me refusing to be superficial in any way.  I had vowed that I wouldn't get involved in another relationship unless it was the real deal, and me being completely real was a part of that.

I am working through Elizabeth George's A Woman After God's Own Heart, and I recently read the chapters about "Loving Your Husband."  She says that one of the ways to love your husband is to prepare for him daily; and part of that is to prepare your appearance.  She poses the question,

"If company were coming, you'd do a little something to freshen up, wouldn't you?  Well, your husband--your Number One human priority--is far more important than company, so he should get the most special treatment of all.  Run a comb through your hair, freshen your makeup, and change your clothes so he's not seeing the same old jogging outfit you had on when he left in the morning.  Put on a bright color, a little lipstick, and a squirt of perfume (perfume rejoices the heart--Proverbs 27:9).  After all, the most important person in your life is about to walk through the door." (Elizabeth George, A Woman After God's Own Heart (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2006), 102.)

Elizabeth's point is well taken, but it did drive me to some further reflections.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Minus the seasons of my life when I have had neither time nor energy to prepare my appearance (like the season of falling apart I mentioned above), I do like to look nice, and I take steps towards that end.  But, as I looked back over our five years of marriage and thought about the fact that I still have a little bit left in the bottle of perfume that I took on our honeymoon... and the fact that because I have so rarely worn face makeup I have purchased it maybe once in our married life (and that being in the very beginning)..., I realized that Travis has probably been more blessed by the fact that I haven't spent a lot of money on beauty products and by the fact that I have been comfortable in my own skin than he would have been by me being overly concerned about my appearance.

All that being said, I feel like I am finally moving into a season of my life where it's do-able--and desirable (to me)-- for me to take a little more effort with preparing my appearance, both for my husband and for myself.  Since I quit breastfeeding the twins two and a half months ago, I not only have more time and energy but I also feel a little more in control of my body again. :-)  The other day I put on that face makeup that has been slowly getting used up over the past five years, and it didn't look good at all.  So, I am excited to say that for the second time in my married life, I purchased some new face makeup--bareMinerals by Bare Escentuals--which was recommended by my "retired" esthetician-sister.  The 100% pure bareMinerals is free of preservatives, talc, oil, fragrance, dyes, and other chemicals that can irritate skin.  It's actually good for my skin, it's fun to apply, and it looks and feels natural!  I'm loving it!

Indeed, I have gone through seasons in my life when wearing makeup was a must-do, those when it was a won't-do, and those when it was a can't-do.  And now that I'm on the tail-end of infant raising (if the Lord wills :-)), I'm ready for a season of can-and-just-might-do! :-)

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Love Much, Hurt Much

This morning has been a not-so great end to a great Fall weekend....

On Saturday, Travis and the kids and I traveled out of town to visit family. Watching football, celebrating our nephew's first birthday, visiting our old church, spending a few hours at a pumpkin farm--and, of course, just being with family--all made for a weekend full of fun... and not much sleep. :-)

(This would be the appropriate place to insert some cute pictures of our kids at the pumpkin farm; but, in classic Angela style, I forgot to grab my camera out of my kitchen drawer before leaving home.... *Sigh*)

The not fun part of the weekend began this morning at 5:30 when Travis woke up sick... and then at 8:00 when Abel woke up sick. As if it's not hard enough to see my beloved and strong husband and my sweet and innocent son not feeling well, I worry as I wonder if and when it will be the girls' turns. And mine....

It's times like this when being a mother hurts.... :-(

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Remembering With Hope

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, a special day of remembering babies who have been lost to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, still birth, or infant death. People all over the world are invited to light a candle at 7:00 tonight in honor of these babies who have gone on before us to be with the Lord.

Our candle will be burning in remembrance of the babies of many of our friends and family members who have said goodbye to a baby (or babies) far too soon; and it will be burning in remembrance of our own baby, Ande Lynn, whom we lost to miscarriage on July 14, 2008.

We don't always understand why these things happen, but we do know that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). And, we can cling to the promise found in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18,

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus.

15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep.

16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first.

17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.

18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

It is okay to grieve, Brothers and Sisters; and it is good to remember the tiny one(s) we have loved and lost. But, let me encourage you, as the name Ande means, to be strong and courageous. Jesus is coming back again, and we--and our sweet babies--will be with Him forever!

If you have lost a precious baby and would like me to be in prayer for you today, please leave a comment telling me your story. I would be honored to lift your name before the God of all comfort and peace.

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I Know that I Know

I know that I know that I do not know.... (But God does!)

It turns out that I spoke too soon. My "Break" Time has been postponed. A few hours after my blog posted yesterday morning, Travis' mom called to say that she had come down with the flu overnight. Although she was already feeling better and was still willing to take the kids, we decided it would be best for everyone if we delayed their trip to Grandma and Grandpa Squires' house.

It's funny that our plans ended up getting changed at the last minute, because even though things seem to always fall right into place for the kids' visits to their granparents' houses, this time I was thinking--even as I was excitedly writing about my anticipated "break" time--"...IF the Lord wills."

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit." Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." (James 4:13-15)

I had never done much of my planning with the contingency that it would happen "if the Lord wills" until recently when God used a series of events to remind me that you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow--or even in the next second. Since then, I have (mostly) stopped taking for granted that my plans will come to pass; and this instance of planning to send the kids away for a few days was no different. Life certainly requires the making of some plans and commitments, but life with an eternal outlook involves doing so with the mindset that things may or may not go according to our plans.

Do you ever allow yourself to wonder why God sometimes allows things to happen a certain way? I certainly do (in an awestruck sort of way)! I believe that our God, who is near and personal, divinely works in the details of our lives in ways and for reasons unbeknownst to us. As I was thinking yesterday about our sudden change of plans, I began to speculate that perhaps there was a bigger reason why the trip was postponed. Would there have been an accident in route? Is there some reason why my kids need to be home with me in the coming few days? Understand that I'm not claiming that such a thing is definitely the case in this instance but instead that I simply enjoy giving God the credit for being intimately involved in our lives. He watches over us, He protects us, and He knows the number of our days. I don't demand an answer for why things happen the way they do. It is enough for me to know that God knows!

I am thankful that God is continually teaching me to live knowing that I do not know. I do not know how my plans, my life, my circumstances may change in the blink of an eye; and that is great motivation to me to live well in the moments I do have.

And, for what it's worth, the kids' trip to their grandparents' house will still happen in the near future... IF the Lord wills. :-)

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"Break" Time!

It's hard for me to admit it... and you  may not hear me say it again for a long time... but sometimes I need a break.

When you're a mother, the days are long.  Some longer than others. :-)  For me, yesterday was one of those "longer" days. :-)  (Notice I'm still smiling!)

Being a mother is for me one of my greatest blessings and a very large source of my joy; but like any other person in any other job, sometimes this mommy needs a little break.  (Why is that so hard for me to say?...)

This afternoon, my "break" begins!  Travis and I are sending Abel and Amariah to their paternal grandparents' house for a few days, and while I know I will miss them terribly, I am slightly excited for my partial vacation.  A few of my tentative plans for while they are gone include making a trip to the mall (with only two kids in tote) to buy myself some new makeup, hanging out with my friend Amber and her sweet little boy Miles, and talking my husband into doing something fun that we wouldn't normally do with all four kids (Any suggestions??).

(I'm sitting here smiling at the fact that I consider my time alone with 16-month old twins a "break.") :-)

Oh, I love my kids!...

Anyway, we are all looking forward to a little break in the routine; and I anticipate that the short time apart will be refreshing for everyone.

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A Desire to "Do"

But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.  For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was.  But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:22-25)

For months I have been pondering these verses and wrestling with this question:  How can I become an "effectual doer" (James 1:25) out of obedience and love without developing a works-based, "checklist" mentality?  In other words, how can I carry out all the things that God's Word asks me to do without treating His instructions like a mere To Do list in need of a check mark?

God's Word is clear that we are not saved by our works.

And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.  Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:1-9, emphasis added)

Yet, Scripture is also clear that those who live by faith in Christ Jesus are to care for the poor, the needy, the sick, the oppressed, the orphan, the widow (see Matthew 25:31-46; James 1:27; Proverbs 19:17, 29:7; Isaiah 1:17; Psalm 82:3-4; Deuteronomy 24:17-22).  No doubt, there are certain things that Christians are called to do--not as a requirement for salvation ("For by grace we have been saved through faith...not as a result of works.") but because we are His ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:18-20).   And because we are called, we will have to give an answer.

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. (2 Corinthians 5:10)

So, we are not saved by our works; but we are called to do good works, and we will give an account for our works.  What this says to me is that just because we are saved by grace through faith does not mean that we can ignore works.  I recently read a devotional which addresses this very thing and which captures my own ponderings so well.

"I was afraid to be like those who were trying to earn their way to heaven with good works because I knew that salvation is by God's grace through faith alone.  But out of this fear, I, like many others, stopped working altogether.  Somewhere along the line I began unconsciously living a lie that says learning about God, singing about God, and speaking about God is more important than walking like Him.  Like so many well-intentioned Christians before me, I had thought I could live out my Christianity in church buildings, in Bible studies, and among friends."

After months of  repeatedly asking myself--and God--how I can be an "effectual doer" without treating His Word like a mere To Do list, I believe I am finally hearing the answer.  When God saves us, our desires are changed.  We no longer desire to live for ourselves and for worldly pleasures but for Him.  We desire to know God more intimately, so we study His Word and we talk to Him in prayer.  And, as we do so, we continue to be changed more and more into the likeness of Christ, who "did not come to be served, but to serve" (Matthew 20:28).  We are able to love others with the love with which we are loved; and we have as our ambition to be pleasing to Him (2 Corinthians 5:9).

In my questioning, "How can I become an 'effectual doer' out of obedience and love without developing a works-based, 'checklist' mentality," I was missing an important point:  The desire and ability to be an "effectual doer" is not something that has to be manufactured by me.  Instead, it should be a natural outworking of my relationship with my Savior.  I can be an effectual doer, not because a checklist told me to do so, but because of Christ in me!

It is my sincere prayer that God would empty me of my selfish fears so that because of my love for Him, I might do the work He has for me.

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Housekeeper...

I was thinking to myself today as I was sweeping the kitchen floor, "Housekeeper.... I'm pretty sure this is not what I grew up envisioning my job would be."  And then I smiled to myself with my next thought.  "There is no better job for me, because this is the one God has called me to."

It's funny that the job I ended up in--Homemaker--is the one I least purposefully trained for throughout my school years.  My mom definitely did her part in teaching my sister and me to keep a home and to feed a family, but I was so wrapped up in what my life was and what I thought it would one day be that I didn't have more than just a temporal perspective on that "homemaker training."  I was always so busy with school and activities and so driven by success and goals that I didn't see doing my laundry or helping with the cooking and cleaning as anything more than me just doing my part as a member of the family.

Then, when I went to college, my focus obviously remained on my education more than on the prospect of me one day being a wife and mother.  I was majoring in Accounting with a plan to go on to Law school, and though I knew that wouldn't mesh well with my other plan to some day stay home with my children, I didn't really allow myself to think about it.  I had always been a good student and an achiever, so it was hard for me to envision myself being anything other than a successful career woman.

Of course, when I met Travis and knew I wanted to marry him, I was forced to confront what my future might realistically look like.  I admitted to myself that maybe Law school wasn't a good idea given my desire to be a stay-at-home mom; and in the midst of my junior year of college, a devastating battle with dystonia, a loss of peace with my current path, and lots of prayer, I quit college with only three semesters left to go.

Just over two years later, I was nine months into my marriage and delivering our first baby--a far cry from being a first year Law student! :-)  Am I okay with that?  Yes.  There isn't a day that goes by that doesn't find me thankful for our ability for me to not be an income earner.  Far more important to me than the degree and the career-oriented success I had thought I wanted (maybe even needed) is being where God wants me to be and where my family needs me to be:  at home.

"Housekeeper."  I thought to myself.  "It may seem menial, but it's a high calling for sure."

Teach the young women to be keepers at home. (from Titus 2:3-5, KJV)

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