Self Reflecting

I am writing tonight out of the beginnings of a realization that I have gradually let myself become someone I don't want to be.

• Selfish.
• Unprepared.
• Easily angered.

If I were to make an excuse for myself, I believe I could adequately sum up the root "cause" of these negative characteristics in one short sentence: I'm tired.

• When I get a moment of solitude, I often choose to do something with it that (directly) serves only myself--like sleep.
• Fatigue-induced lack of motivation has kept me from efficiently managing my household.
• The shorter my longest stretch of sleep at night, the shorter my fuse the next day.

I certainly want to remedy this, but in some ways I feel trapped.

• Should I take a nap when the kids do so that I have more patience and energy for them later, or should I stay up and do some menu planning?
• Should I spend the last bit of my day's worth of energy cleaning up the kitchen so that I can start tomorrow with a clean slate, or should I save it (i.e. my energy) for my husband?

Maybe I'm being slightly too idealistic, but right now my life just doesn't look like what I want it to look like. My personality rends me nearly incapable of doing anything half-heartedly; and yet I am realizing that in several arenas of my life, I have been doing just enough to get by.

• I "supervise" the kids, but I don't always "mother" them.
• I cook supper for my family, but sometimes I fail to prepare side dishes.
• I buy groceries for specific meals, but I often lack a plan for when those meals will be served.
• I do the dishes and pick up around the house, but I rarely get to my daily cleaning tasks.
• I embrace my role in Travis' and my marriage, but sometimes I forget to just be his wife.

I think that I've been excusing my recent shortcomings by telling myself that "it's just a season"--and it is--but maybe it's time to start making changes instead of excuses. I haven't always been this way--and I certainly don't intend to always be this way--so now I just need to figure out how to get back to the way I was.

And it's that thought which takes me back to where I used to be: in prayer that God would continue to mold me into the wife and mother that He wants me to be.

Dear God, please change me....