I Was Healing

This afternoon has been a bit emotional for me.  I've been working on uploading all of our pictures to Shutterfly (for purposes of printing as well as online photo sharing), and today brought me to July 2008.

As I was working my way through our 2008 photos, I was somewhat surprised by my ability to recall the exact events surrounding each snapshot; and each of these memories was bringing a joyous feeling to my heart.

Then I came to July 14, 2008.  These pictures didn't spark the same joyous feeling or happy memory but instead brought back the feeling of loss that will forever characterize that day--the day I miscarried our baby Ande Lynn.

I lingered on these pictures for a bit as I again recalled the exact events--and the physical and emotional pain--surrounding the snapshots.  And then I moved on.

What surprised me is that the next several photos I encountered brought back even more sad emotion than the ones of the miscarriage had.  And I realized as I looked at them that they were telling the story of my mourning... and of my healing.

Three days after the miscarriage, the next time our camera was used, I had taken pictures of Abel and Amariah opening gifts which Travis and I had given them for no special occasion.  The occasion, I recall, was that in my grieving I was becoming so thankful for the children I did have with me on this Earth that I was feeling the need to pour out my love on them in different and greater ways.  So I had gone shopping and picked for each of them one new toy as a way of expressing my overwhelming love and gratitude for them.

Another two days later, Travis and I had taken a picture of ourselves preparing to begin our first big house painting project.  This project, I recall, gave me both purpose for my time and togetherness with my husband, both of which I needed as I tried to move past the grieving.

And again another two days later, a friend of ours had taken a picture of Travis and me all dressed up for a nice date.  This date, I recall, was like a refuge from the storm; and it gave me the reassuring feeling of my husband's love that I so desperately needed to feel.

I realize now that even in my mourning, I was healing.  The pictures tell the story.